This Isn't How To Train Your Dragon...

My first blog in a long time is not an easy one. I have gone back and forth over whether or not to say anything on Facebook or elsewhere about this. As many who know me and follow me on Facebook have learned, I tend to be very honest about the struggles we face with our kids' diagnoses, the loss of our first daughter, the loss of my father and so on. I don't put it out there for attention, pity, or any other self serving reasons. I am honest and open because I feel that there is a purpose for everything that we go through. As I have learned many times, that purpose is to help others going through the same or similar situations. If we don't talk about it than we can't reach out and help others. There have been so many times that I've gotten a comment on a post or a private message after sharing something thanking me for sharing, telling me what an encouragement something I shared was to someone else, how good someone felt knowing that they weren't alone, or even someone asking me if they could share my story with someone they know going through a similar situation who needs encouragement. Something I learned with Faith was that I felt if I didn't share her story and what we went through that her little life and huge fight would have been in vain. Sharing and talking about what we face is not only healing and often cathartic but can also be educational and encouraging to others. It sheds light on a subject someone may not be aware of, can provide understanding, can give hope to others, encourage someone, and possibly even empower others. It can do three things that I call "my three E's": 1)Educate 2)Encourage  and 3)Empower. I would hate to hear of someone I know who felt alone and hopeless because they thought no one understood what they were going through if I had been through something similar and could have encouraged them but kept silent instead. Now, I don't share EVERYTHING because some things are private and should be kept private. It just depends on what the topic or situation is and whether or not I feel there's an important lesson to learn in it. You may be wondering, "Is there a point to all of this?" Yes. Yes there is, and here it goes. 

A few years ago I started having a lot of trouble with my teeth. I'd be eating something and a tooth would crack or break or I'd get an infection out of nowhere and suddenly that tooth had to go. My teeth started getting more and more sensitive to heat and cold and I started noticing pain at times biting into foods that weren't even that hard. At first it was more annoying than anything but it came and went. It wasn't a constant thing. Over time it because a constant issue. I'd be chewing gum and a piece of a tooth would break off. My gums would swell in spots and be super tender. I noticed that my gums seemed to be shrinking or pulling down and away from my teeth. I even thought some of my teeth felt a little loose at times. As these issues increased so did the rate of infections (which always had an effect on my diabetes), then the extractions started. Not that many and never more than one tooth at a time but it still bothered me. I brushed my teeth and flossed but still had problems. After having to have a few teeth extracted in a little over year I noticed that my teeth started moving. They were spacing out just a little and they were starting to look bigger. What?! How could they look bigger?? Well it turns out they weren't really getting bigger they just appeared to be because of the gums pulling away from the teeth. Then last fall things really took a turn! 

I had had a tooth that had broken and when I say broken I mean down to the gum line. It didn't hurt or bother me at first so I put off going to the dentist (yeah, I know, first mistake). Then one evening I noticed it was sore and figured I was going to have to make an appointment to have it taken care of soon. Well it would turn out to be a lot sooner than I thought! I woke up the next morning looking like Rocky Balboa had used my face as a punching bag. I had never seen my face (or anyone else's face I know) swell so much overnight! Half of my face was completely swollen, even my eyes were swollen and the pain! Oh my word the pain!! I remember it was a Sunday morning and there was not much I could do. I had some leftover antibiotics (don't judge! We all know we haven't always finished our antibiotics at some point!) so I started taking them. The next day I went to the dentist where they did x-rays, gave me a prescription for antibiotics (same kind I'd started the day before!) and told me to come back on Wednesday for the extractions. Yes, extractions, plural. Turns out I had THREE abscessed teeth that needed to be pulled immediately and FIVE others that needed to come out ASAP. EIGHT teeth that they said could not stay. I couldn't believe it. The dentist explained what was going on. She said I had significant bone loss in my jaw which is why my gums were pulling away from the teeth. This was creating space between my gums and teeth where food, bacteria, etc could get down in more easily. This is what was creating the infections. It also made my teeth weaker and the extra space between jaw bone, teeth, and gums had caused ALL of my teeth to loosen. You could actually wiggle them slightly. The previous extractions I had during the two previous years left empty spaces and my teeth began to move and spread apart. The dentist said there was nothing we could do to reverse any of these problems and that they would only get worse in time. Being a diabetic my health was constantly at risk with reoccurring infections. There weren't very many options and no matter which ones we had to choose from they would all eventually lead to the same outcome within the next year or two so we (Chris and I) made a decision. It was not an easy decision and it proved to be quite emotional. 

I haven't talked about it publicly before now for a number of reasons. I was unsure how people, yes even friends, would react. I was embarrassed, scared, anxious, conflicted, the list goes on. I decided to put all of that aside so here goes. This past Sunday Chris and I drove down to North Carolina to spend the night because I had a very early appointment with the dentist. I was scared to death, didn't want to do it but knew I had to. I sat in the chair Monday morning and when the dentist came in she asked if we were pulling all of them and I told her yes. She looked at the x-ray they had just taken and said, "Oh yeah, you're definitely making the right decision. This is best and will be much better for you in the long run." I laid back as they started the nitrous oxide and tried to relax. After a few minutes I didn't want to bolt out of the door anymore. In fact, I was feeling so good that I just wanted to stay right there the rest of the day. Haha! She came back in and shot me down from my high when she gave me a bunch of shots into my gums then topped it off with three into the roof of my mouth. I focused on breathing through my nose to get ALLLL that nitrous into my system then listened to all 25 of my teeth get pulled one by one. That sound...it's the stuff nightmares are made of. No joke. The Novocaine was already wearing off by the last one and I felt it. In the time it took to lay there for 10 minutes then walk to the front with a mouth empty of teeth and full of gauze, all the numbness had worn off in my top jaw and I was hurting. By the time we got back to the hotel my bottom jaw had regained feeling and I was in the worst pain I'd ever felt. I laid in the hotel room hurting physically and emotionally. I had to change the gauze every ten minutes. The first time I changed the gauze I looked in the mirror and saw myself without teeth, I fell to pieces. Here I am a week to the day before my 39th birthday and I didn't recognize myself. It was crushing. I never even thought of the emotional impact it would have on me and in that moment I was so thankful that I had not gone down alone because I needed Chris. I don't know what I would've done without him! Probably chickened out and abandoned ship before even getting them pulled! We hung out in the hotel for a few hours then headed back to the dentist where they had a brand new set of teeth waiting for me. With all the numbness gone they put those dentures in my mouth and I almost came out of the chair! Then she handed me a mirror. 

I don't know what I felt looking into that mirror for the first time. I was curious, excited, uncomfortable, embarrassed but above all I was hurting and that's really all I could focus on. So far the recovery has NOT been easy and I still have a ways to go. I'm only in the beginning stages of my denture adventure. There will have to be adjustments made to these (temporary) dentures, permanent dentures will come in November, I get to enjoy liquids and soft foods for now, I have to learn to chew around the hockey puck in my mouth, and I have to learn how to talk. There is still a lot of healing to do and writing this is one of those steps of healing. I was embarrassed to admit that I had to get dentures at my age, though it wasn't my fault. Then I realized I shouldn't be embarrassed. I did this to better my health, to ensure that my kids have their mom around, to be done with constant infections and pain, and to feel better. I didn't just do this for me, I did it for my family and that's nothing to be ashamed of. Instead of hiding it and being embarrassed, I decided to put it out there and OWN it! This has been one of the most terrifying things I have ever done. I've never experienced this kind of pain but I know that in the end it will be completely worth it for all of us! 

So here I am!! You'll notice in the after pic that I was feeling the effects of the pain meds although they didn't actually help with the pain. Oh and as I said I still feel like there's a hockey puck in my mouth and I FEEL like my teeth are HUGE and make my mouth stick out. I've been assured that that's not the case however SnapChat had the PERFECT filter to show how I have felt as you can see in the last photo!!