Mommy's Boy...always

I really should be folding some clothes, washing dishes, washing clothes, or doing something...other than sitting here at the computer but I'm enjoying the quiet. All the kids are in bed and at 9:11pm that is a miracle in this house. Usually Abby (the 4 year old with ADHD and sleep issues) is still up bouncing around. Tonight she wanted to go to bed and said she was tired...I know it's been unseasonably warm this winter, especially today, so does that mean that it's snowing in welllll doesn't matter! I'm thankful it's quiet! I'm waiting for Samuel to come walking out any minute. He took a nap today which is never good. Although it was nice to have a break this afternoon from he very aggressive mood today, I knew I'd probably pay for it tonight. He has the hardest time going to sleep at night if he takes any kind of nap during the day. We'll see if he stays in bed! At least I have one that I can count on every night and that's Madison, the two year old! Then again, what choice does she have when I tell her it's bedtime and I put her in her crib and close the door! She's good about it and has gotten to where she doesn't scream and cry but rather smiles, says "I lowe you Mahmee" and puts her head down! (and by the way, Samuel is now sitting on the couch next to me playing "Where's my Water" on my phone!)

That little boy amazes me. Only three and a half years old and he can work my iphone better than me! He knows every game on there and can play them...and has been doing so since last summer before he even turned three! I'm so proud of him and far he's come. I can remember when he had problems transitioning from one room to another in our own house much less when we went somewhere like Walmart. Then, he'd collapse on the floor and curl up with his thumb in his mouth, eyes closed, refusing to get up and walk. Autism has always fascinated me even years and years ago. I watch him when he's focused on something and lost in his own world and I wonder what is going on in his mind.  He is amazing. Yes, there are days when we are out and he's flopping around not wanting to walk or do what he's supposed to do and you can't get him to look at you and focus on what you're saying to save your life and some days I just want to throw my hands in the air and lay down with him in the middle of wherever we are. It can be so frustrating not only because of how he's behaving but the looks and stares from people that are thinking "I'd wear him out or my child wouldn't act like that, or she needs to learn to control her son!" We've all seen this happen in a store and we've probably all had those thoughts at some time but let me tell you, I'm not as quick to judge as I used to be. I realize now, well maybe there's more going on with that child and it's not just a tantrum. And I have said something to someone when I've overheard them comment under their breath....maybe I shouldn't but when I'm doing all I can and he's just out there, well....I don't take well to someone saying something sarcastic or judgemental especially when they say it like they're trying to be quiet about it but just loud enough so they know you heard them. I've bitten my tongue more times than not....but I have commented back on a few occasions...it couldn't be helped. He's my heart, I can't even put it into words. No matter how challenging it is sometimes, I wouldn't change him for the world. His CP and Autism is a part of who he is and I not only accept it, I embrace it because he wouldn't be Samuel without it. I can't imagine my life without him and that's why I've already shed tears at the mere thought that this fall he starts preschool and won't be with me during the day. It breaks my heart into a million pieces and even now as I type this I feel my eyes stinging. I don't know how I'm going to live day to day without him right by my side all day. I don't want him to go, I don't want him to face challenges or scary moments or achieve new things without me. It was hard with Abby but I new how bad she needed school and the break from her siblings...but Sammy?? Who's going to protect him and encourage him and calm him and tell him he's ok and he can do it? UGH....it's going to take me from now until August to adjust to this new chapter in his life and even by then...I don't think I'll be ready. Like everyone says after they get to know him..."there's just something about him!" I love him to pieces and between now and August? I'm going to hold him, love on him, and cherish every moment I can!!